I’m excited to introduce a new feature for Ask A Queer Chick: “How Did You Know?” Since we talked last week about the limitations of the “born this way” narrative and the many LGBTQ people it doesn’t represent, I’ve heard from quite a few people who wish they had access to a wider variety of coming-out stories. Accordingly, “How Did You Know?” will share one interview a month with an LGBTQ person whose path to self-knowledge was more complicated than “I just always knew.” We all have different, equally valid journeys, and isn’t it wonderful that we’ve found our way to each other?
The first edition of “How Did You Know?” is public, but future interviews will be for subscribers only, so subscribe! If you’d like to participate in an interview, shoot me an email at askaqueerchick@gmail.com.
Introducing Maggie Dain Down!
Maggie Down is a story teller currently residing in Columbus, OH with her partner Jae, two pugs and flerken. She's just the right amount of nerdy and recently picked up the hobby of baking.
How do you describe your orientation and/or gender identity? Be as concise or as verbose as you want!
I am a queer Trans Woman and my pronouns are she/her/hers.
How long did it take you to arrive at this self-definition? How did you identify previously?
I came to my self definition over the course of about a year. I played my sexuality somewhat close to the vest for most of my life. When I was 18 or 19 I told my best friend that I was bisexual. She laughed and told me that I didn't need all the problems that come with that. So I stuffed it down. A few years later I started drinking and would kiss men at parties, but only while drunk. When the age of dating and hook up apps came around, I signed up for all the gay ones I could find, even though I didn’t act on any of those connections in person until after I was out.
In late 2015 (at age 31) I got sober. By spring of 2016 I had come out publicly as Gender Non-conforming and bisexual. I started wearing skirts exclusively, painting my nails, carrying a purse. Over the next year my gender evolved to the point that I was calling myself Non-binary. In July of 2017 I declared for the first time that I was a woman. I came out publicly as a Trans Woman and Queer shortly thereafter.
How did you decide on what you call yourself now?
I identify as queer as I feel like it has a radical cultural context that I want to be associated with. I choose to specifically identify myself as a Trans Woman (as opposed to identifying as solely a woman) as I want to be someone that other trans people, specifically young trans people, can see as someone who is out and trying to live their best life. I want to be an inspiration and source of reassurance for younger LGBTQ+ people.
What did it feel like when you first started describing yourself this way?
It felt more right then anything I've ever done. Referring to myself as both queer and a Trans Woman lead to extreme highs of gender euphoria. I still get tingly when someone uses the correct name and pronouns.
Have you shared your identity with important people in your life? How have they responded to what you've told them? Do you have a "coming out" story you'd like to share?
I am very much out to everyone. I live out and loud very purposefully.
I first came out to my partner at the time. Shortly there after I started "rolling out" the new me, starting with a few text messages here and there to a few close friends. In late July I went to a family reunion in Gatlinburg, TN. There I came out to two of my aunts, one of whom responded "Oh, I know, and it looks so good on you."
I didn't tell my mother directly. I left her a copy of Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" on the nightstand of her hotel room before I left to return home. In it I put an inscription in which I came out to her. Because she was traveling and needed some time to process it took her about 3 days to hear back from her (other than a text assuring me she got the book and just needed some time to process and travel back home). Her response could not have been better. I am incredibly fortunate with my coming out experience as most of my family has warmly accepted me.
Is it important to you that others know how you identify and refer to you as such? How do you feel if/when people use the wrong labels to describe you?
It is incredibly important to me that people know who I am. I often wear clothing with Trans symbols and colors or slogans. I have a tattoo of the trans symbol on my forearm. I am out and loud about it so that no one can silence me.
I am still misgendered quite often (but its getting less and less each day). Often, out of concerns for my safety or just plain old not wanting to deal with it, I don't correct people in public when they misgender me. It is an incredible emotional burden to be misgendered, especially by loved ones and people I know. Having to deal with apologies and comforting people after you correct them can be just as exhausting. So while my identity is very important, I don't always have the fortitude to stand up for it.
In what ways have art or pop culture helped you to discover or define your identity? In what ways have they been obstacles? Does seeing your identity depicted in media factor into your journey?
Art and pop culture (and a lack of representation) had and still have a huge impact. I truly feel had there been any positive depiction of a trans woman in the media I consumed, or even if it was in the general zeitgeist, in the 90's and 00's I would have figured this out a long time ago. They just didn't exist. It wasn't until 2012 when Against Me front woman Laura Jane Grace came out in Rolling Stone and subsequently wrote a book called "Tranny" that I really figured it out. It was the story and the journey and the language Grace used that finally gave me the tools I needed to know for sure that this is who I am. I still live for news about trans actors and positive depictions of trans characters in media. The representation is happening, at a snail’s pace, but it is happening. Even if it isn't a show or movie or something I would normally consume, I still want to know about it, I still rejoice in it.
What is one piece of advice you'd share with your younger self if you could?
I might tell myself to sober up sooner. I would tell myself that things will not be easy but so very much worth it.
Follow Maggie on Twitter: @ATransKlaxon
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Need help? Email me: askaqueerchick@gmail.com. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.