Ask A Queer Chick: Should I stay married?
Welcome back to Ask A Queer Chick, Lindsay King-Miller’s advice column breaking down the big questions about sex, love, and life for LGBTQ people and our friends and supporters. Thank you so much to everyone who reached out while I was on hiatus; you convinced me to bring the column back from the dead, and my zombie baby and I love you! Need help? askaqueerchick@gmail.com
I'm a thirty-something married woman who has recently fallen for a woman. If I'm completely honest with myself, it didn't surprise me: deep down I've always known that I'm gay or bi or something but had been suppressing it. I’ve fallen hard and there is no way I can deny these feelings. I have not told my husband, and it’s particularly complicated as we have two young children. Our marriage is practically non-existent and we simply 'function' together to raise the children. I've kissed this woman a few times and she is aware of my feelings for her, but as we're both in relationships, nothing else has happened and nothing more will. I feel completely and utterly trapped and gutted that I've taken so many wrong turns. What now?
It feels deeply appropriate and correct to open the new incarnation of Ask A Queer Chick with my most cherished and well-worn piece of advice: You should leave your husband.
(I am not saying that everyone should leave their husbands! Just most of the people who email me, specifically.)
You have absolutely nothing to say in defense of your husband or your marriage except that the two of you can basically function as co-parents. You’re not in love with him, you’re barely tolerating living with him, and you’ve already fallen for someone else. And you’re in your thirties. Are you going to keep this up until you die? Just until your kids graduate and leave home? How much damage do you think you can do to your own psyche, let alone your husband’s, if you stay in this miserable situation that long?
I am not a proponent of “staying together for the kids.” In my experience, what that usually ends up meaning is staying together until you can’t stand to anymore, resulting in a much more acrimonious separation and lots of extra trauma for you and the kids. Right now, it sounds like you and your husband don’t hate each other’s fucking guts. Please believe me when I say this is a highly preferable position from which to initiate a breakup.
I know leaving your marriage will be difficult, and I don’t take that lightly. But everything you wrote to me screams that you’re going to leave. It’s only a matter of when, and how, and how much of your and your husband’s self-esteem you leave intact.
You feel trapped right now, and like it’s too late to make different choices, but I swear, you are still young. You have so much life ahead of you to experience everything you’re afraid you’ve missed out on. Whether or not you have a future with the woman you’re currently swooning over isn’t really relevant to the main concern, which is: You have a future. You can spend it feeling like a caged animal every day until you chew your own leg off to escape, or you can leave now, scared but whole, staring the rest of your life in the face.
I believe in you. I wish you luck.
I have been with my wife for 8 years, married for one. A few months ago, I found out she was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. The affair was going on for two months before it was brought to my attention. I wanted to see a marriage counselor and try to figure out how we could come back from this, but my wife wouldn’t commit to that. While we were trying to figure this out she never fully cut off communication with the other woman.
It took some time and hard work on my end, but I finally couldn't take the uncertainty/lack of commitment and got to a place where I was okay without her in my life. When I emailed a divorce mediator because my wife was dragging her feet, she came back saying she is finally able work on things. She apologized for being selfish and for how long it took for her to get to this point, but is adamant that if she didn’t take the time she did, she would have never reached the conclusion that I mean more to her than her feelings for someone else.
Now I am torn. Do I want to stay married to someone who took so long to conclude that our marriage was worth saving? I get affairs are never a clear-cut story and I know that marriage requires hard work. But shouldn’t wanting to work on your marriage be a no-brainer?
She is currently seeking therapy on her own (I am as well) to figure out why she felt this way towards another person, but I feel as though the only way we are going to get through this is together. Do I wait around, yet again, while she sorts through all of her shit? Or do I take my new-found strength and courage and leave while I can? I was never unhappy in my marriage and all of this has caught me completely by surprise. I really love her and really want to give her another chance, but do you think we are too far gone and the damage is already done? How do I, in good faith, give her another opportunity even though she has thrown all of the others away? Am I disrespecting my dignity if I do so? Am I being selfish for wanting this figured out on my own timeline? Why did it take her so long to know she wanted to work on things?
I can’t tell you whether to leave or stay, but what I do know is that no healthy relationship can be sustained on repentance. Rebuilding your trust in each other has to be a project you work on together, not something you demand from your wife. The emotional infidelity is a major breach of trust, but it’s not the only problem in your marriage.
I’m concerned about the part of your letter where you say your wife never cut off contact with the other woman, with whom she works. \ Should she have quit her job? That’s a huge ask, even in the wake of an emotional affair. Yes, your wife needs to regain your confidence, but you can’t demand that she give up her career to prove she’s putting you first. If the only way you can move past her feelings for someone else is to make sure she never sees that person again, it might be healthier to go your separate ways, rather than let your fear of losing her twist you into someone bitter and controlling.
What do you want from her? What do you want from your marriage? Your wife dragged her feet on deciding whether to patch things up with you or pursue someone else; it’s valid and understandable to feel angry about that. But now you’re the one who’s waffling. What would it take for you to feel all in again?
In committing to a lifelong relationship, you open yourself up to the possibility that this person will hurt you deeply, in ways no one else ever could. You’ve experienced some of that pain with your wife. Now you have to decide whether to stay, knowing what that feels like, and continue to trust her with your well-being. There is no way to guarantee she won’t hurt you again. There’s no way to guarantee you won’t hurt her. Is it a risk you’re willing to take?
Rebuilding trust is hard and painful. It’s scary to leap heart-first toward the same person who’s already let you fall once, but there’s no other way to do this. If you’re not both ready to take on the vulnerability, the regret, the knowledge of how you have hurt each other and been hurt in turn, then this isn’t going to work--and that’s okay. Sometimes things don’t work. It’s okay to decide that you can’t trust her anymore. It’s okay to leave, even if she wants you to stay.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope whatever path you choose brings you joy.
I have come out to all of my friends and my school as a trans boy. I really like being a boy and I tried to tell my dad about it but he yelled at me and refused to let me explain. I need to know how to tell my family that I want to be a boy and educate them on what would make me feel happy. I don't know how to bring it up without getting yelled at again. What do I do?
I’m so sorry your father’s initial response to your coming out to him was anger. You deserve better than that. Do you have other family members who may be more supportive, whom you could enlist to help you reach him? Even if they don’t change your dad’s mind, knowing you have an ally in your family could go a long way toward helping you feel less alone.
If you’re having trouble getting your dad to listen to you, maybe you can point him toward the wealth of reading material that already exists for parents in his situation. TransYouth Families Alliance has a compendium of resources for parents of trans youth, including a forum where adults can ask questions and learn more about supporting trans and gender-variant kids. PFLAG National also offers support for both newly-out LGBTQ people and their friends and families.
I hope that a combination of time and education can help your father understand and embrace your true self. If he can’t, please remember that it’s not your fault. As a parent myself, I can tell you that it’s his responsibility to offer you the love and safety you need, even if that requires him to learn hard lessons and let go of preconceptions. If he chooses not to, as painful as that will be, please know that it’s not a reflection on you as a person. You are brave, strong, and independent, and he should be proud to call you his son.
In the absence of a supportive parent or guardian, it may be difficult or impossible to access transition-related medical care before you turn 18, but you can still work on building your support network. The friends and teachers who greeted your coming out with acceptance, love, and gratitude for your honesty are incredibly valuable. Some people will want you to mistrust your identity, to abandon your own vision of yourself in favor of one that makes them more comfortable. When you find people who honor the truth of your identity, cherish their voices and use them as a shield against doubt.
And hold on. If you’re in crisis and don’t know how to get through, reach out to Trans Lifeline or The Trevor Project. Being young and LGBTQ and stuck in a household that rejects your authentic self is miserable, but it is not permanent. Sooner than you can imagine, you will leave and find a new path. In the eventual story of your life, this will just be a sad chapter, a prelude to all the better things ahead. Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to live an honest, joyful life, and you can and will get there. I’ll be cheering you on.